So… this week’s quarterly round of employee stress surveys from wellnessbot is, uh, weirding me the fuck out. Jeremy the LAN guy says ever since the 11g upgrade wb has been burning up a lot of extra CPU usage and yet this 60-grit sandpaper condom is the latest output. Not exactly gonna make Turing roll…
If you somehow missed it JJ Abrams is selling tickets to win a chance to spend 6 hours in a chair getting a foam alien face glued on and shoved into a crowd shot to bake in the Tatooine sun while Abrams plays the bongos on the cameraman to get the shakey cam effects just…
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Screw this Oracle upgrade. If I wanted to be dry-fucked in the ass I’d finally accept Jeremy the LAN guy’s invitation to watch Animal Planet on his couch and let him roofie me into the land of anal fissures. I would more enjoy waking up facedown in his home-made, crotchless, ewok costume while Jerry shouts…
Assholes are like a nerd’s complaint about why we haven’t gone to Mars yet: everybody’s got one. The trailer for Chris Nolan’s Interstellar is balls-out blatant about it: this planet is shitcanned, you want to save humanity, get your cool-ass spaceship to a new planet. I like a good metaphor for class struggle as much…
There’s a nerd war going on. You sense it in the air, right after you wade through the sea of Attack on Titan cosplayers clogging up the place like some sort of weird Hitler Youth in their identical uniforms. And it’s not a war of ‘cosplay is not consent’ either. It’s a battle to the…
Hey kids, ol manglecramps is limping along under his own power these days. Turns out when you spend two weeks at a time working in a converted fallout shelter your kids cry when you come home and your wife starts an OK Cupid profile. But that’s fine. It’s all for national security, right? So we’re…
Every two weeks we rotate out from the decaying underground labyrinth seemingly designed to cause environmental hazards to my server cluster. I get some vitamin D (take that as you will) and hit the town like a sailor on shore leave in 1930s Shanghai. In the kind of luck that always comes my way the…
I swear on the baby Yeezus I find out which one of you hermaphroditic anal polyps left my mail *inside* the airlock to the biodome I’m going to beat you harder than a teenager’s dick when he’s logged into Porntube. And where in the shitdick are these mother-fucking komodos mother-fucking coming from?
Prepare your anus for total penetration by biceps, overacting and the spike-encrusted dong that is Stephen King’s terrible, terrible storytelling. That’s right butt-monkeys, its time to revisit Running Man, now available to stream on Netflix. Running Man was so terrible even at the time of original release that I hadn’t bothered to rent it out…
There’s a black hole way down at the center of the internet and while the combined digital knowledge of humanity races outwards, incrementally larger each day like an interactive sim of the big bang, if you go back down into the basement where it all gets creaky and there’s like, one bare lightbulb hanging from…
In 2016 there will be a cyborg Olympics. No greater sentence has ever been uttered in the English language. My 12 year old self just got a huge erection and pleasured himself to the gynoid engineer from Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone. From the website: The Cybathlon is a championship for racing pilots with…
That rotten bucket full of harvested cow vagina, Nicole, from HR lost my completed insurance claim form *again* which means I’ll have been waiting a full four weeks for reimbursement on the t-4 Semplia Module I had to shell out full price for at point of purchase. I swear on my mother’s zombie corpse I…
Since I first met her, my ex, the crazybananaspants hippy, has held this, um nostalgia-induced hallucination that she’s good at carrying through on things. And as long as I’ve known her she has steadfastly maintained how awesome it would be to drop out and live off the land in some sort of quasi-peasant serfdom where…
The quality of this movie seems entirely suspect but it’s got a hard R so I will automatically like it better than the last two Die-Hard movies combined. So long as Gina Carano administers savage beatings while wearing a short skirt I’m so willing to put up with the lame, FarCry 3 production values. I’m…
Recently getting some hits on the internets is the new retro scifi film that got some nerd kerfuffle at SXSW, Space Station 76. The folks at io9 do a decent job running down why but owing to a pre-existing condition of sexual fetishism it’s pretty much predetermined I’ll see this. I have a deep, deep…
SPOILER ALERT: False Positive 