Screw this Oracle upgrade. If I wanted to be dry-fucked in the ass I’d finally accept Jeremy the LAN guy’s invitation to watch Animal Planet on his couch and let him roofie me into the land of anal fissures. I would more enjoy waking up facedown in his home-made, crotchless, ewok costume while Jerry shouts ‘I shot first!’ during bareback anal intercourse than installing the latest 11g update but that’s exactly what I spent 16 of the last 24 hours doing. And this is after my team spent weeks completing all of the major hurdles to enable us to migrate to Oracle 11.
So somewhere between hour 7 and 9 I wander down to the cafeteria module for some Skittle rations and I guess manglecramps doesn’t hear me with my shoes off and it’s like 2am and he just about uploads a salty, fire-hose of terror pee right through the fabric of his pants. Dude is too uptight right now; homie can’t keep his wife happy he just needs to call it and fall balls-deep in the next dozen girls that come by. Nothing a shit-ton of trashy drunk vagina won’t cure.
So when he finally changes his panties I ask him what he’s so jittery about and he asks me if I’ve seen the pilot for Penny Dreadful. Which, since I’m kindof busting my balls to keep the limpdick analysts testicle deep in internet porn while they pretend to do their jobs, I said no.
“You better see this,” he said.
Penny Dreadful is a kindof ‘League of Extraordinary Gentlemen’ by way of ‘The Descent’ and hitting Johnny Depp’s ‘From Hell’ along the way. This thing’s got everything. Cowboy Josh Hartnett humping proper ladies in back of his Wild West sideshow, effete hipster Victor Frankenstein, creepy-ass spider-walking vampires emerging from beneath multiple mounds of eviscerated rotting corpses and by all the tentacle-porn gods, you could serve tea on Eva Green’s eyeballs while she stares into the next world. I watched the first five minutes and I had a little bit of shit in my panties. But was too afraid to go to the washroom. Ever again.
Not helping my thing for skinny (terrifying) brunettes one little bit.
Showtime clearly knows it’s sitting on a winner here and by all rights this should be the summer replacement sleeper hit. It’s got the existential dread and unrelenting horror of Walking Dead and the period piece fantasy, sex, and human gore of Game of Thrones. You can watch the pilot episode on Showtime’s website.
You know, assuming you don’t have to spend the next 6 hours sitting alone in a dark, underground server room with your back to the door.
SPOILER ALERT: False Positive 