Goat Simulator: Why It’s a Bad Idea to Live in the Middle Ages

Since I first met her, my ex, the crazybananaspants hippy, has held this, um nostalgia-induced hallucination that she’s good at carrying through on things. And as long as I’ve known her she has steadfastly maintained how awesome it would be to drop out and live off the land in some sort of quasi-peasant serfdom where…

Getting My Lady-Boner On

The quality of this movie seems entirely suspect but it’s got a hard R so I will automatically like it better than the last two Die-Hard movies combined. So long as Gina Carano administers savage beatings while wearing a short skirt I’m so willing to put up with the lame, FarCry 3 production values. I’m…

The Future Isn’t Used, It’s Emptied

Recently getting some hits on the internets is the new retro scifi film that got some nerd kerfuffle at SXSW, Space Station 76. The folks at io9 do a decent job running down why but owing to a pre-existing condition of sexual fetishism it’s pretty much predetermined I’ll see this. I have a deep, deep…

Can’t Bite Down

During my endless screening of the internet for bad guys I actually spend at least half of my day reading movie blogs. So, win/win. Maybe it’s my bi-monthly anti-toxin infusion making my whole body ache, but I’m in a mean mood. You know they say it’s for nerve-agent attacks but I saw the markings on…

This Just in: Film Directors are Obsessive

Much like porn star James Deen when he puts a foot on the back of his partner’s neck during doggie style, every director has a signature move, a go-to style just so people know who it is fucking them. Most movie goers couldn’t tell you who directed a film if their sweaty, $20, IMAX 3D…

F*ck You Religion, You Didn’t Find the Big Bang

My ex is, um, how you say? Crazybananapants. And has parlayed a lifelong ability to deny the truth into a decent sideline as a religious nutbar. Her constant ability to pretend invisible fairies make everything in her world work only ever serves to infuriate me. Hint: it’s not fairies paying your bills, it’s my support…

What the Actual F*ck Nature?

Insect On Insect Nightmare Fuel The environmental planners who built the ecodome spent years fine tuning their systems, studying biomes and trying to get everything just right in order to create a self-sustaining subterranean ecosphere. Meticulous calculations and preparations were made. Careers were made and lost ironing out the subtleties of the self-sustaining, self-contained environment…

Should I be Worried About This?

I always loved empty places when I was a kid. Specifically places that were designed for hundreds of people to be but when you caught them at the right time they were empty. Like being on the university campus on a holiday. Or breaking into the underground storage rooms at the local mall on a…