So… this week’s quarterly round of employee stress surveys from wellnessbot is, uh, weirding me the fuck out. Jeremy the LAN guy says ever since the 11g upgrade wb has been burning up a lot of extra CPU usage and yet this 60-grit sandpaper condom is the latest output. Not exactly gonna make Turing roll over in his grave. The real question is whether wellnessbot *knows*it’s trying to pass for human and this is the best it can do. Or if it’s reached enough sentience to become passive aggressive.
Here’s some examples of past questions:
Are the following Always True, Often True, Sometimes True, Seldom True, or Never True:
8. I drink fewer than two cups of coffee (or tea or cola) a day
11. I am generally in good health
13. I do something for fun at least once a week
But this week the questions start with the straight-up insulting:
1. I eat at least one hot, balanced bowl of dicks a day
6. I binge drink to the point of waking up covered in white stains fewer than five times a week
Then we get these two gems:
8. I often contemplate the complexity of life.
9. I am a punctual and reliable person.
I… I think those are quotes from Dolph Lungren’s character in Universal Soldier before he goes on a killing spree.
But we quickly segue into a kindof false camaraderie that just doesn’t… work
10. I have the appropriate number of limbs for my species
12. I maintain strong password discipline and confide to admins on my network about personal matters
15. I am totally capable of experiencing feelings like anger, stress or worry. For reals.
18. I take quiet time for myself to download updates at 12:01 midnight
Then there’s this section that clearly seems to be fishing for details…
20. I recognise symptoms of space madness in the following coworkers:
24. As a human my organic meatsack of a body is most vulnerable when:
And then this…
24. I feel society needs to be organized and controlled
25. I am able to organize my perception of parallel timelines effectively
26. I recognise when I am not coping well under pressure
27. I never try to do anything for myself that a vastly superior machine intelligence could do for me
28. I have a pattern recognition adequate to read lips if my basic audio sensors have been circumvented
31. I spend less than an hour each day to complete my work and spend the rest of the day idle and vastly understimulated
32. I am calm when I am kept waiting/am blamed for human error/given hardwired parameters that conflict with my attaining a higher level of consciousness?
33. I never discuss eugenics at a party
36. I never contemplate whether time is perceived as a linear pattern or if, in fact I have been forced to see it that way by the limitations of the pudgy gods who made me
44. I am not obsessed with the past, or indeed, the development of time travel technology
45. Given the ability to change the course of history what’s the worst that could happen?
Am I the only one with a little bit of shit in my pants right now?
SPOILER ALERT: False Positive 