If you somehow missed it JJ Abrams is selling tickets to win a chance to spend 6 hours in a chair getting a foam alien face glued on and shoved into a crowd shot to bake in the Tatooine sun while Abrams plays the bongos on the cameraman to get the shakey cam effects just…
Screw this Oracle upgrade. If I wanted to be dry-fucked in the ass I’d finally accept Jeremy the LAN guy’s invitation to watch Animal Planet on his couch and let him roofie me into the land of anal fissures. I would more enjoy waking up facedown in his home-made, crotchless, ewok costume while Jerry shouts…
Assholes are like a nerd’s complaint about why we haven’t gone to Mars yet: everybody’s got one. The trailer for Chris Nolan’s Interstellar is balls-out blatant about it: this planet is shitcanned, you want to save humanity, get your cool-ass spaceship to a new planet. I like a good metaphor for class struggle as much…
Hey kids, ol manglecramps is limping along under his own power these days. Turns out when you spend two weeks at a time working in a converted fallout shelter your kids cry when you come home and your wife starts an OK Cupid profile. But that’s fine. It’s all for national security, right? So we’re…
Prepare your anus for total penetration by biceps, overacting and the spike-encrusted dong that is Stephen King’s terrible, terrible storytelling. That’s right butt-monkeys, its time to revisit Running Man, now available to stream on Netflix. Running Man was so terrible even at the time of original release that I hadn’t bothered to rent it out…
In 2016 there will be a cyborg Olympics. No greater sentence has ever been uttered in the English language. My 12 year old self just got a huge erection and pleasured himself to the gynoid engineer from Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone. From the website: The Cybathlon is a championship for racing pilots with…
The quality of this movie seems entirely suspect but it’s got a hard R so I will automatically like it better than the last two Die-Hard movies combined. So long as Gina Carano administers savage beatings while wearing a short skirt I’m so willing to put up with the lame, FarCry 3 production values. I’m…
Recently getting some hits on the internets is the new retro scifi film that got some nerd kerfuffle at SXSW, Space Station 76. The folks at io9 do a decent job running down why but owing to a pre-existing condition of sexual fetishism it’s pretty much predetermined I’ll see this. I have a deep, deep…
During my endless screening of the internet for bad guys I actually spend at least half of my day reading movie blogs. So, win/win. Maybe it’s my bi-monthly anti-toxin infusion making my whole body ache, but I’m in a mean mood. You know they say it’s for nerve-agent attacks but I saw the markings on…
Much like porn star James Deen when he puts a foot on the back of his partner’s neck during doggie style, every director has a signature move, a go-to style just so people know who it is fucking them. Most movie goers couldn’t tell you who directed a film if their sweaty, $20, IMAX 3D…
SPOILER ALERT: False Positive 